Yeah no good news. I won’t go into details about it anymore because right now really I’m having a disagreeable spirit and I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. E thinks I’m going tralala already since last night. Right even before we left for work today he made this comment “what’s up with your mood lately?”. One minute i’m in a the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-music kind of mood and the next thing I feel like crawling into bed with a mug full of ice cream and just ugly cry myself to self to sleep. It’s been like that since yesterday. Last night I was trying to cheer myself up with this new game everyone has been talking about, flappy bird. Sure I was ammused at first but after countless tries i could only manage to score 6. I wanted to throw tantrums again and not just because i am the sore loser of this annoyingly heart-pumping game but I feel like everything I do lately i end up falling flat. That me never breaking my score of 6 is a manifestation of what is going with me right now. How whiny now do i sound but I have no one here to air my problems especially because I believe these are just petty troubles and once I’m able to cry or write them down I’d feel better.
I’m putting on my best mood face. So I made an effort to look nice today thus explain me putting on this womanly shoes and a sleevless floral blouse which I usually had a blazer on but I chose to ditch at home and so I have my wobbly arms exposed. I don’t want anyone suspecting I’m upset. I look and feel different. Different because I realize these shoes hurt my feet and it is really not comfortable and i’m 1.5 inches taller and it’s white and also this blouse I find it awkward to raise my arms. Regardless of the unpleasant way my attire is making me feel right now at least I don’t look like I’ve been going through a frenzy of mood swings. At least I look all sunshiny and bright with my floral blouse (well that’s what I’m at least trying to act out).
I just wanted to take a week vacation and sort things out in my head. Definitely I know that I’m so impatient these days maybe because I’m turning 30 this year and it’s already next month and I guess I thought that a baby would be a perfect gift for myself. And now I sound so immature for throwing tantrums because I can’t get the gift I want for my birthday. I really should grow up now that I’m soon turning 30. That’s I guess the second best gift I can give to myself, the ability to think more like an adult to act now my age and face difficulties without bawling my eyes out. I’ll try. Meanwhile I should probably stop expecting too much. Chill.
So we finally decided November last year to get pregnant. Before we got married we initially planned on having a baby after we moved to our own house but then we changed our mind later last year. I don’t know how it happened but it’s like I have been shoot with an arrow by cupid that I just couldn’t contain myself with happiness whenever i see a little baby or a kid. It’s like falling in love all of a sudden. I so badly want to pour all my love to our little one already see him/her grow. I know that I could no longer wait for next year to get started. I feel like my hearts going to burst already. With E I can also see how happy he is when he is around kids and how they love to be around him. I love imagining him with our baby in his arms. I know he loves to have a baby already too. I’ve been watching the way he looks at his nephew and niece. Sometime he would talk to my tummy imagining me already pregnant and I love playing along with him. I wanted it to be real alread for us. I wanted for us to be parents already.
So for 2 months that we’ve been trying with no success I felt so down because I began to worry about possible problems. I know it’s too early to start worrying. My parents they had me after 2 years of trying. I guess I didn’t imagine E and I having any problems and for me it seem pretty easy to do. I was proven wrong. So imagine the excitement I have for the first day i missed my period this month (I’m pretty regular and I rarely missed a period). I immidietly bought two pregnancy kit that I took at a shopping mall’s comfort room, that was before I met with E after his jogging, and then the other one this morning. Both gave me negative result. I felt my heart sank. Looking for a second line to appear has got to be the longest time that I have to wait my entire life. E tried his best to cheer me up this morning by making me breakfast. It was nice of him to be understanding although I admit that I may be over reacting to this. So I really appreciate that he was patient and understanding with me. Still not having my period and feeling confused I searched the internet for possible answers because it is really unusual for me to be delayed. I’ve been having cramps since yesterday and my breast feels sore all signs of me about to be having my period but I’ve read that you could also be having those symptoms if you are pregnant. Since the pregnancy test came out negative I’m not really sure what is going on with my body. Am I just stressed out? I found out also that the most effective way to take the test is a week after missed period. This sparked a little hope in me although a week seem a long time to wait (yes I’m very impatient).
I hope by next week I’d start seeing two lines. Keeping my fingers cross! hope this is it. Wish us luck.
I’ve always challenged myself year after year. I am not without a goal before new year. I may not write them on paper but i put a lot of thoughts about it and list them down in head. I do this because I wanted to push myself to do things I’ve always been afraid or too lazy to try. This year I wanted to build my vocabulary because I really want to blog more and it would usually take me a lot of time to think for the right words to describe most of my thoughts and I’d end up with not finishing a post and therefore no longer wanted to publish it. I’ve had more drafts than posts in this blog account. So the challenge would be for the next post at least is to use words that I don’t often use (because I’m not sure if i’m using them correctly) and to learn new words and actually get to use them in my own sentence. 5 new and unfamiliar words starting next post!
I’m probably the laziest bookworm there is. I’ve read quite a lot of books since I’ve learned how to read and it is at least expected that you’d have a wide vocabulary. But nope! Whenever I bumped into words where I don’t know it’s meaning I’d never look it up in the dictionary. I’d impatiently skip that sentence and assume my own definition of it. My sister and mother have rediculed me for the incorrect usage and mispelled words I’ve done on my reports. The thing is when I’m into a story I’d never want to stop just to look up for meaning of words I don’t know. I guess as part of my new years resolution I’d have to work hard on my vocabulary. Perhaps on my next post I’d be challenging myself to include some words I rarely or have never used before. I hope I’m never too old to build my vocabulary.
I’ve been gone for quite a long long time. I’ve been meaning to update this blog even though I know I really don’t even know if someone is really interested in reading my thoughts or what’s been going on with my life. A lot has happened the past few months particularly in the month of October to December. As much as I wanted to talk about it and vent or rant whatever you call it I just have to hold back myself because I don’t know how anyone would really understand what I went through and why I have to decide on things. But I guess it would have made me feel better if I wrote them down. Nothing makes me feel better when you just get to say what and how you feel on paper or here (in this age of technology) in a blog. But I was not brave enough so I remained out of the radar. I have only talked to a few people by few I mean 3 people about this huge thing that has happened to me.
Anyway 2013 I have to say has got to be the toughest year for me. I’ve never cried so much not even those time we lost a house from fire for the 3rd time. I can tell from experience that it is better to lose material things than have to lose a person you love. I mean things you can buy them again but human relationship is hard to find. I’ve been through roller coaster with my family during and after the wedding, then I have to deal with a sister in law and an aunt in law who hates me to death, then came yolanda, and an unending financial problems. I felt like I’ve been challenged too much last year and been dragged by the hair out of my comfort zone. I guess I now know where I developed a severe migraine. But who am I to complain? Other people had it worst. I got to stop whinning and just be thankful to all the good things I have. I mean as of this moment that I am typing I am not really feeling sad like the previous months. I guess things are getting better now. I mean sister-in-law finally moved out though not in what we were expecting (it was an ugly scene). I’ve finally got the courage to unfriend aunt in law so she would stop snooping on my account and telling bad things about me to my husband, sister-in-law and i dont know who else. My parents are slowly recovering from what Yolanda did to our hometown this of course wouldn’t have been possible without the help of others (thank you from the bottom of my heart). My relationship with my parents I think is slowly getting better also doubt is still lurking. When it comes to our finances I think we’ve finally learned to set our priorities and made some sacrifices that means less traveling and dinning out. So you see we are on to a better start so I have a lot of expectation for 2014. I really hope that things will get better from now on. For this year we are hoping that we’d be debt free, save up more for our own house, and perhaps finally a little baby this year. I’m really looking forward to having a wonderful 2014.
Happy new year to everyone!
I know that there is a song titled “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”. The title above is by no means a typo error. Since it’s still to early to be seeing christmas lights or any christmas decors I think it’s fitting to say that I’m starting to feel Christmasy already. Christmas songs are starting to be played on buses and stores and even at some nights I think I can already feel the cold breeze.
I love Christmas! I love how most joyful Christmas songs makes me all giddy. How the colorful Christmas decors transport me to happy place. I love everything about Christmas. But I guess this year I won’t be having a Merry Christmas. You see I always look forward to coming home to our province every Christmas because there’s no other place I would rather be celebrating such wonderful occasion other than with the presence of my family. This time though I don’t think my family really looks forward to having me anymore. Sad, I know right? My parents are not really in speaking term with me the past months. Despite the treatment that i’m getting from them I remain to be patient. I still text/call as I get to be ignored and everytime i feel like dying. I know that there’s nothing wrong with their phone because they are in constant communication with my brother. They just didn’t want to have to do with me anymore.
I am starting to dread christmas especially now that i’ll probably have a repeat of what happened last year. Last year, I wish I could erase the memory of my first horrible Christmas because I just want to keep all my Christmases to be pleasant and I wanna keep looking forward to them for the rest of my life. Last Christmas my parents made sure that I will never set foot at our house. Last Christmas I remember my father telling me how he is embarrassed that i’m his daughter that he would rather forget me. I remember my mother not doing anything to defend me. My mother who knows me better and who have seen me grew up. I would have understood if my father misunderstood me of anything because he doesn’t really know me because wasn’t there while we were growing up. He used to work overseas until we graduated college. But my mother? How could she have abandoned me. I was not even aware why they were really upset with me. They were starting to ignore me when I refused to have the wedding reception at our house. I thought that they would have understood why we decided on that. But for months that they were ignoring me faults that I was not even aware of started to surface. They didn’t even asked me about it, if any of it were true. I don’t know from where they got all those stories from about me. They would rather cut me off from our family without even hearing me out. To think that what they are accusing me are not even true. I wish I could tell them all here but I’m afraid one day is not enough to tell everything.
I sat there in front of them absurbing everything they are accusing me of and whenever I try to say something they shut me up and tell me what a liar I am and compare me to other people. They give me an ultimatum that if I still do not obey them, if i don’t do what they wanted, they will not support me with the wedding and i better forget that I have a family. I can’t bear that thought that someone else will be running my life even if they are my own family. I don’t want to be imprisoned by them. I’m done being a child and i’m capable of making sound decision on my own. Because I choose to have it my way they made sure I am aware that they will not attend our wedding but God must have been listening because my father had a change of heart 3 months before the wedding. He got admitted to the hospital and because both of them are enrolled as my dependents on my health insurance they didn’t have to worry about the hospital bills. My parents are quite superstitious. A week after he got discharged my sister called me to inform that my father has bought his barong tagalog already for the wedding and mother went to the tailoring shop to have her dress made.
After the wedding everything seem back to normal. We texted each other and sometime I’d call to check how they are. I don’t know what I’ve done this time. They are ignoring me again. Christmas is coming and if I’m gonna have to sit again in front of them as they tear my heart apart I would rather not spend Christmas anymore with them. I don’t think I can take anymore of them judging me and not even giving me a chance to say anything to defend myself. I don’t want to celebrate our first christmas as husbad and wife with a memory same as last year. I’m having second thought about going home. I’m not really sure what to do anymore. I’m sad and even though I have my husband to celebrate Christmas with I feel I won’t be completely happy knowing that my own parents hates me and i don’t even know why. I wish God is listening to me right now again because i’m honestly beat already. I know that I don’t have a clue of what being a parent is like but I swear to God I’ll never have my kids go through what I am going through now. I may never become a perfect mom but I’ll make sure they have good memories in all their Christmases and other events, holidays that they will have to celebrate.
Have you heard of this song by Sara Bareilles, King of Anything? It’s been my favorite song along with her other song Brave. But since I’ve been playing King of Anything since this morning I’d like to share how much this song means to me. For those who really knows me personally you probably know how shy and so naive I am. I get pushed around and taken advantage of a lot because I rarely or even never really fight back. But hearing this song I feel like i’m the bravest person. A person with self confidence and knows her worth. Whenever I hear this song I imagine the people who have done me wrong and all those times I have never fought back. For those times that I just kept my silence even though I’m hurting. This line “So many things I’d say if only I were able but i just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by.” is what I always do.
How I wish I could turn back time and I’d memorize the lyrics of this song and I would tell it straight to the face of my enemy but even if I can do that I’d still have to worry if I can deliver it well. Friends and even those I just met always ask me if I’m ever capable of getting angry. So i’m still not sure if I can pull off memorizing the lyrics. If only it wouldn’t be weird to sing when you fight back someone. It seems easier to express emotions and feelings through songs. I think it would be cool when someone is really pushing you down and then you start to sing in response with matching back up singers and then you’d be playing an instrument and you do a little dance. Well I know it’s cool because I always do that in my head. Sometimes I picture myself singing to this line to father, husband’s aunt, some of my bully of a colleague and everyone who have made me cry. ”Who cares if you disagree you are not me. You dare tell me who to be? Who died and made you king of anything?”. Would it be great if for once in my life I could really fight back for myself? I would really remember that date because I would have it tattoed in my arm. Since I’m still a coward right now I’ll just settle to fighting them with “King of Anything” in my head.
I’ll end this post with another favorite line of mine from the song.
“All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide.”